well, work work work , and very little play...

Life has had its ups and downs lately...


Final Fantasy VI is my current obsession at the moment . I Heart Edgar . {Also Celes , Locke , Terra }
OK ,So I love all of em..

Lately I've been working on new stories as well... I'm artistically super inspired but don't have the time to do things in :( or I'm too tired



Anyways , there is this great guy at work , and I think we both like each other... But I'm so clueless as to what to do :/
Oh yeah and I just finished ordering a new AFI T-shirt. Yay! more credit card debt!

I've been thinking so deeply lately , with all my experiances . I work at a nursing home and see people die all the time. So I am really confused by life and all its whims. It seems like there is very little that we are actually in control of. There is really only one shot and then that is it. For the vast majority of human kind , most of life is strife, struggling , and merciless death . Living in America , I have so many oppurtunities and privileges that I do not even  know what it is like to feel hungry and cold.
I do not know complete helplessness and utter despair.
However , I tend to be a mire or misery about 75% of the time.
I have come to realize that this is because I do not know what makes me happy nor what I want out of life.
I try out so many things and I buy buy buy  , but to no affect , because I am still miserable.
I feel so apathetic about everything. The more I try to do the more I end up feeling empty inside and even lonelier than before.
I am probably very spoiled and have everything I want materially, but I can't help but look on TV and feel that I should be living in some huge city with a great house and car,  spending time with my freinds at the mall and chatting to numerous boyfriends on my cell phone. Instead I live in some tiny Appalachian town that no one has ever heard of where the biggest thing going on on Saturday night is people preparing to go to church the next morning.
And so I self-deprecate because my life is this way and I find it hard to accept.
I will never be a very social person. My time is spent mostly surfing online , reading , writing , playing video games . My realities are not that bad but they aren't what I ask for either. I just wish I didn't feel utterly invisible all the time.
Such is America , where even the poor have satellite TV and cell phones. And where most people are not satisfied with their lives because its always not good enough. No one is beautiful enough , or rich enough , nor goes to the best schools , nor has a good enough job. And I am a woman isolated, still struggling with my own inferiority complex, afraid to speak to others at times , because I feel so foolish in their presence.
I know logically that I am not that different. But something inside of me holds me back from just existing and enjoying what I have (which I now realize is quite a lot) I suppose my own subconscious mind has taken in much of these images that are fed to me and has chained me to it.
Such is life in America.

And I wonder often , does God exist or not . If he doe then that s solace from this material rat race that we live in , and perhaps that is more to life than capitalism . But if He does not , then all that is here is all that is. And it probably means that life is pretty pointless.
Needless to say I am leaning towards atheism. I wish whatever God existed , (if they do exist) would send me a sign .